All I Know

THE BOOK: All I Know

PUBLISHED IN: 2024

THE AUTHOR: Holly C. LaBarbera,

THE EDITOR: Joy Johannessen is an amazing editor and deserves tons of credit for her brutally honest and immensely helpful input. I’d also like to give a shout-out to Anna Dorfman, who designed my beautiful cover and was wonderful to work with.

THE PUBLISHER: I self-published this novel under my own imprint, Buckberg Mountain Books, named after the mountain where I grew up, which also happens to be where my protagonist, Kai grows up.

SUMMARY: Despite childhood trauma and tragedy, Kai Martin has never given up, rising from devastation to rebuild her life over and over again, in this inspiring story of strength and resilience.

Kai sees her life as a series of concentric circles—her twin brother Kade occupying the center sphere with her, their parents surrounding them in the next, and the Tyler family in the outer loop, a connection Kai plans to make official by someday marrying Josh Tyler. The Martins and Tylers share memorable times together, but under the surface, they are two dysfunctional families struggling with alcoholism, depression, and abuse, all of which leads to a horrifying event that knocks Kai off her axis and makes her doubt everything she thought she knew.

Josh is there through it all, and Kai eventually gets the romance she dreamed of, embarking on a life of travel and adventure with the boy she always loved. Yet reality is more complicated than any childhood fantasy, and when painful family patterns are reenacted between them, Kai must decide how much of herself she is willing to sacrifice for Josh.

Ultimately, Kai must confront the heartbreaking truth that as much as we try to help the people we love, we can only truly save ourselves.

THE BACK STORY: This story is a way for me to honor all the difficult stories I’ve heard from the hundreds of clients I’ve worked with over the years, not to mention the personal experiences of friends and relatives who have been challenged in ways similar to the characters in my book, loved ones who have struggled with depression, addiction, trauma, codependency and grief. I have been inspired by their strength, courage and resilience, and wanted to create a story that shows all of the hardship and sadness and beauty and hope that are a part of life.

I also love a good love story and wanted to write something that was romantic, yet went beyond romance to encompass the many forms love takes; exploring the depth of sibling bonds, the power of female friendships, the complexity of parent-child relationships, and the importance of loving oneself.

It took me about a year to write the first draft of All I Know. Revising it took longer, as I workshopped it with my writing group, got feedback from other beta-reading friends (both writers and not), and eventually hired my wonderful editor. In all, it was probably a four year journey from the first spark of inspiration to this finished, final version.

WHY THIS TITLE?: Kai’s last line in the book is, “That’s all I know. And it is enough.”

Almost from the start, I envisioned the book in three parts, “Certainty,” “Doubt,” and “Faith,” representing Kai’s journey from a precocious child who is sure of everything, through a turbulent and traumatic childhood where she no longer feels she can rely on anything. Eventually, Kai finds faith in herself and in the idea that although certainty is elusive, what she does know is enough to move through a beautiful, messy, unpredictable world.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO READ IT? All I Know will appeal to adult women of all ages, particularly readers who liked Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng and Ask Again Yes by Mary Beth Keane. It will provide rich discussions for book clubs looking for a weighty yet accessible read. People who have struggled with mental health and/or substance abuse issues, or who have family members who have experienced these hardships will also relate to this story. Additionally, the book reveals the power women contain within themselves that is often buried and needs to be discovered, and it reminds the reader of the power of female friendships, which can sometimes be more significant than romantic partners. Yet it is also a good old-fashioned love story. And who doesn’t like that?

REVIEW COMMENTS:

“LaBarbera (Five Days) deftly manages her serious themes of family dysfunction and shared trauma, presenting with sensitivity and realism the key moments that change lives, the everyday stress of seeing family drinking and domestic abuse normalized, and the ways in which Kai and Josh process those experiences as they become adults. Her depiction of the complexities of the dynamic of friends who become extended family feels authentic and compassionate. Descriptions of the natural beauty Kai encounters working together with Josh as his adventure magazine photographer offer some of LaBarbera’s best descriptive prose, though they’re tinged with disquiet, demonstrating Kai’s sacrifice in following Josh into the outdoors.” –BookLife review

“Author Holly C LaBarbera has crafted an emotionally charged journey that will give fans of women’s fiction everything they could hope for in terms of heartfelt drama, realistic character portrayal, and intriguing emotional challenges in the plot. LaBarbera skilfully portrays the intricate dynamics of families, love, and resilience and I was impressed by the authenticity of the dialogue and its natural, unique style for each major character. It’s rare to find a work with so many distinct voices, yet their family ties and shared histories weave them all into one huge complex tapestry that is fascinating to explore. The narrative’s exploration of loss and the protagonist’s journey toward self-trust resonates deeply, and it endears Kai to readers in ways that make her feel like a personal friend by the novel’s close. Overall, All I Know is a poignant reminder that, in the face of life’s uncertainties, the strength to rebuild often lies within ourselves. This is a highly recommended read for fans of deeply felt, resonant drama everywhere.” — Readers’ Favorite review

.”..a book that amplifies the great feeling of success at knowing the human spirit is resilient….the author does a brilliant job at explaining how and why Kai makes the decisions she makes, and even if the reader would choose a different path, Kai’s point of view is understandable….the characters are very well developed with care and great depth. Not only are the characters well developed, the feeling the reader gets of family in the book is also deep. When some of the family–real or chosen–are not there, the reader feels the void.” — LitPick review

“Young members of intertwined families forge a complicated bond in the tense coming-of-age novel All I Know. Early on, the book lingers on one-on-one interactions well, emphasizing its aching inter-family ties…the story is driven by the choices that each of the characters makes, with their complicated family intimacies best established via Kai’s maturing perspective.” — Forword Clarion Review

AUTHOR PROFILE: I began my creative writing career with a lightning bolt of inspiration for my first book, the as-yet-unpublished Five Days, followed by All I Know, and I am currently revising my third novel. Participating in the Community of Writers Workshop in 2018 significantly contributed to my growth and development as a writer both during my time there and through ongoing connections with other amazing writers who have become critique and accountability partners, both in formal and informal writing groups. I am a psychotherapist and an adjunct professor at Santa Clara University’s School of Counseling Psychology, guiding graduate students in becoming licensed therapists.

I was born in Hawaii, grew up just north of New York City, and now live outside of San Francisco. I considers myself equal parts New Yorker and California girl, a loyal fan of the Yankees and the Golden State Warriors. I love reading and writing and am old-school in both, enjoying the feel of holding a book in my hands and turning actual pages and also doing my part to keep the post office in business by regularly sending handwritten letters and cards, much like All I Know’s protagonist Kai.

AUTHOR COMMENTS: So many people have experienced mental health challenges, and I hope they will feel seen, understood, and less alone in their difficulties as they connect with these characters. Likewise, I

hope friends and family members of those suffering will identify with Kai and recognize in her the trials and tribulations they themselves have experienced.

Resilience is a primary theme of this novel. Many of the hardships in All I Know stem from mental health issues, but the broader message of the book is about overcoming and rising above whatever difficulties life brings. I hope All I Know provides readers with a sense of hope, inspiration and empowerment.

SAMPLE:

The coffee is almost finished brewing, and Josh has a mug in his hand. He’s been tapping it agitatedly on the counter, and now he slams it down full force, shattering it in his hand. I’m startled into silence as he grabs another mug out of the cabinet and smashes that one too, then hoists the steaming pot of coffee and launches it across the kitchen, not exactly at me but in my direction, sprinkling me with hot spray that stings but doesn’t actually burn me. At that, Danielle, Marcus, Jaimie, and Nate barrel into the room. I’m not sure when we woke them, but they’ve obviously been listening from the other room for a while and have decided that things are now out of hand.

Nate and Marcus hustle Josh out into the backyard while my girls surround me. I think I apologize to them, offering to clean up the mess, but it’s kind of a blur because I’m in shock, not believing what just happened, not believing Josh and I could be so mean to each other.

Danielle gets me dressed, and we walk the few blocks to the beach, just to get out of the house, to create some distance between me and Josh. Jaimie hangs back to clean up the coffee and act as middleman. It’s cold and foggy at the beach, perfect for how I’m feeling. One thing I love about Danielle is that she says whatever’s on her mind up until she knows that there are no helpful words. She’s a great judge of when I need silence and unspoken, unconditional support. We’re at the beach for a few hours, mostly trading variations on “That was fucked up” and “What’s next?”

Jaimie brings us sandwiches for lunch and makes us eat before she’ll tell us what’s going on at the house, before saying, “Josh left.”

I feel my heart crack and my stomach lurch. I’m afraid I’m going to puke up the sandwich I just ate.

“Nate and Marcus and I tried to convince him to stay and talk things out with you, but he was pretty rattled. I think he freaked himself out by throwing that coffeepot. He’s ashamed and mad at himself, and he kept saying how terrible he is for you, how you’ll be better off without him. He was packing like a robot on autopilot, repeating over and over that he had to leave.”

“Where’d he go?” I ask.

“Marcus took him back to his place for the night. He leaves tomorrow anyway. He made me promise not to let you go to Marcus’s, although he knows there’s nothing I can do about it if you want to see him.”

“Why would I want to see someone who doesn’t want to see me?” Part of me feels like crying, part of me wants to hit something, and another part of me just wants to go to sleep for days and days and days.

Jaimie scoots up close beside me and puts her arm around me, and I rest my head on her shoulder, which brings on the tears. “I’m sorry, Kai,” she says.

I try to compose myself. “You know, Dani and I have been sitting here repeating how we can’t believe what just happened, but I actually think I’ve been waiting for it. I somehow convinced myself I could have some happily-ever-after with Josh, that we’d just glide through all our fucked-up childhood shit and float along on an uncomplicated life full of travel and love and sex, and that was stupid. The whole idea of us was stupid.” As I’m talking, anger takes the place of sadness, anger at myself for not knowing that Josh would leave me. I look at Danielle with fire in my eyes. She knows that look of determination and fierceness. She’s perfected it.

“Dani, will you please go to Marcus’s and tell Josh that if he leaves like this, without even talking to me first, then we’re done and I don’t want to see him again.”

“Kai, maybe you should slow down and think about it,” Jaimie says calmly, holding me tight. “You’re heartbroken, and that’s not the best time to make big decisions. Maybe it’s better to leave it alone right now, when you’re both so upset. You can circle back and work it through when he gets back.”

“In a month, Jaimie?” I say. “No way. We resolve this now or it’s over. I can’t wait a month.”

“Fuck that,” Dani chimes in. “Josh was an asshole. The temper, the leaving. As much as I really do like him, if you’re done you’re done. Plenty of fish in the sea.” She waves her hand toward the water, trying to lighten the mood.

“He wasn’t just some fish, though,” Jaimie says.

“Jaims, don’t be a downer,” Dani says, “even if you’re right.” She scoots close to me on the other side and puts her arm around me. Now I’m sandwiched between her and Jaimie, silently thinking while we stare out at the waves. After a while, I find myself hypnotized by the waves, not even thinking anymore. But I need to think, so I lie back, pulling my musketeers with me, wanting their bodies pressed against me on both sides so I can feel their love and support. We lie there getting sand in our hair until I know what to do.

WHERE TO BUY IT: Bookshop.org, Amazon

PRICE: $15.99

CONTACT THE AUTHOR: Website: http://www.hollyclabarbera.com Instagram: @hollytellsatale Facebook: Holly Coleen Labarbera